Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Being a mother

So I just found some writing of mine from college and I'm feeling that life is very profound.

I seemed to have gone through this life with blinders on. Its so easy to get wrapped up in all that is adolescence. When I emerged from that retched time in life I realized that I had so much to say and become. It was a thrilling experience! I had so many plans of who I would be and what I wanted in my life. Its ironic because it seemed that the minute I reached out and was pulled from childhood, I was forced into adulthood, complete with a serious boyfriend and impending college degree. I can honestly say that I dont remember what happened the first three years of my college experience. I remember  taking a bunch of old cupcakes after work one day and then distributing them around campus with backhanded compliments written on the boxes. I remember watching every episode of the OC  on Melanies bed. I remember throwing fireworks out the window and getting screamed at. I remember walking up that dreaded hill. I remember only bits and pieces of the whole thing. Then one day it seemed that I woke up married... and pregnant. Wait, how did my life take this turn. I owned couches and a king size bed and two cars and there was a baby coming. But I'm only 15... right? Wait, when did I turn 22?

Then this baby was born and everything that I thought about myself went out the window. I realized that I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago.

I am now a mother.
I have a child who loves me more than he loves anyone else in the entire world.
A husband who is beyond my best friend. I didnt know that this love was in my future at 15.
Its an amazing love!
I can make decisions for my family and its ok if they are wrong because we will learn together.
I have a family...

I always thought of families as something for the older type. I wouldn't have a family for years to come. Well time sped up and now here I am.

The past doesn't matter.
Old boyfriends and flings don't matter.
Old friends dont matter.
I am a mother.
Everything that I've ever done has prepared me for this time in my life.
When a child looks up at you with the utmost admiration and love.
As harsh as it may be, If you are not in my family circle, I don't care about your opinion.
 I have become a mother and everything that that entails.

I wasnt prepared for the amount of love that you can feel for another human being and I never want to be without this family of mine.
I'm not prepared to be a mother, no one is.
I'm not preapred to be a wife.
I'm only prepared to love and be loved the way that only a family can allow.

This life snuck up behind me but its the only life I ever want. I will take the mundane, the uninteresting, non-edgy, unhip, "boring", frustrating, lifestyle that I have stumbled upon
because I now see color, so vivid and bright that nothing could be better. Nothing could be clearer. Nothing can beat
being a mother. 

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